1.     Taboo Plaza 

This week the topic is defecating in the street. 

For those of you in the know, that means taking a dump on the sidewalk, or in an alleyway.  This practice really became unfashionable in the late 1500’s to early 1600’s.  That’s not to say that the practice was ever really fashionable, but it wasn’t entirely uncommon prior to that time period

Believe it or not, there isn’t much standing between you and a turd on the sidewalk; except the voices running through your head.  Get rid of that internal censor and you are two minutes away from stepping in human feces on a regular basis.

It is really much the same as getting away with robbing a liquor store at twelve o’clock in the morning.  The build up to the action generally escalates internally due to anxiety and fear of retribution.

“What if I get caught?  What will everyone think of me?”

Not that I’ve done this, but robbing a liquor store (in and of itself) cannot really be that difficult of a task.  The primary obstacle is the potential of a crazy counter person with a shotgun awaiting you.  Keep a firm grip and solid aim; use a loud and commanding voice; and generally people can be kept in line long enough to hand over two hundred dollars in cash.

However, compare for a moment your internal fear and anxiety over the thought of robbing a liquor store with your internal fear and anxiety of pooping in a public place other than a restroom.

Which would you be more willing to take part in?

I suspect that most people would be more willing to rob the liquor store than squat in the street if they really had to pick between the two options. 

I could be wrong here, and if I am let me know, but I believe even with the threat of a gun being pointed at you during your robbery; it is easier to deal with that monologue (possibly because of a potential $200 benefit at the end) than it is to overcome your own worst critic saying that only idiots and social outcasts would poop in the street.

What shall we indoctrinate our children with next?

 

2.     Current Affairs

 

$5.5 million went to the purchase of a 1966 Shelby Cobra "Super Snake" at the Barrett Jackson Auto Auction in Scottsdale, AZ.  This is a kick ass car and all I can say is I hate Scottsdale.

 

Amazing Randy $1 Million psychic prize: I’d pay money to watch Randy punch Sylvia Brown in the face ten to twenty times, but if he can harass her until she either puts up or shuts up; that might be just as good.

 

Syria and Israel potentially making peace trumps everything in the news.  However, this story doesn’t stand out as earth shattering for two reasons.  No peace negotiations have been acknowledged, which generally stands in the way of peace as well as the fact that they’re arguing over a considerably small area of land that apparently has a fairly easy resolution nobody could figure out 30 years, and many lives, ago.  Talk openly about peace and then let the world shatter.

 

Job creation in Phoenix boomed through the 2^nd quarter of 2006.  Phoenix grew, Maricopa County prospered and life is greasy, right?  Nothing to worry about because unemployment is a full percent below the national average at 3.5 percent and average wages in Phoenix even moved up 4.5% to $794 a week.

All this good news and still it may not be enough.  Maricopa County ranked number one in largest number of jobs created but ranked number 9 for increased wages of the top ten counties to add jobs and really there’s little wonder. 

With top brain trusts like ASU President Michael Crow heading the charge for economic development in Phoenix, what me worry?  Arizona is just introverted you see.  What we apparently need to do is compete internationally with the countries undercutting our already low wages in order to get those low wage jobs back (of course at an even lower wage.)

It’s no wonder either because with three of the top six private sector employers in the state being Wal-Mart, Albertson’s-Osco and Bashas’ stores; Maricopa County clearly sees what needs to be done in order to improve quality of life in this state.  In a state that never had any real union activity to speak of we really need to ensure that unions don’t take a foothold here.

(By the way, go back now and read that last line with a bit more sarcasm added just in case.)

 

 

                                                             

3.     Then Humans Discovered…(the continuing saga of Krunk. part 2)

Continued from January 6^th post.

 

Krunk laughed out loud several times that day and only once recognized the sounds coming from his mouth as belonging to him.  The only reason he stirred was for the freak accident of lightening striking a tree across the cow pasture.  A great blaze descended from the sky followed by a great blaze rising from the ground.  Krunk quickly got up from the ground and forgot about the clouds.  His chest hurt and breathing became difficult. 

Across the field Krunk saw the fear. 

He saw fire.

The mushrooms still filled his head with cloudy thinking and repressed inhibitions; although he could never understand or explain it this way.  Krunk just didn’t have the fear.

Before this moment, Krunk would’ve been more likely to bow in fear and chant unintelligible gibberish at the site of the burning.  He would’ve minimally comprehended some form of attack having descended upon him.  An attack from an assailant unimaginably powerful, therefore, he wouldn’t have approached the site. 

That is before today.

Krunk was curious and the closer he moved to the fire the warmer he felt.  He hadn’t realized the cold around him until he moved closer to the fire.  The heat felt good.  He moved his hand into the fire and it hurt.  He quickly withdrew his hand and shoved burnt fingers into his mouth. 

Still, repressed inhibitions allowed him to linger and his curiosity grew.

That’s when Krunk saw the burning log.  One end of the log in flames and the other end, two feet in length, untouched Krunk knelt down and touched the log where the flames did not dance.

His fingers didn’t hurt, so Krunk grabbed the log and dropped it.  His fingers still did not hurt. 

At that moment, repressed inhibitions melted away into an understanding.

Krunk gripped the log and held the flame arms length in front of him.

At this moment, Krunk managed fire.

 

 

4.     Getting to Know Your Government

Do you realize that if Hillary Clinton wins the presidency in 2008, two families will have been in control of the United States for at least a quarter of a century?  If that happens, I say we get rid of the president and Congress and just get ourselves a king and queen.  

 

Dianne Goldman Berman Feinstein (Democrat, California)

·        Religion: Judaism

·        1955: Stanford University, BA (history)

·        1969- 1978: held position on San Francisco Board of Supervisors

·        1978- 1988: Mayor of San Francisco

·        1992- present: U.S. Senator

o       2003: Ranked 5^th wealthiest senator (est. $26 million worth)

o       2005: her net worth increased to about $43 to $99 million

o       Democratic co-sponsor to extend U.S.A. PATRIOT Act

 

Barbara Levy Boxer (Democrat, California)

·        Religion: Judaism

·        1964: graduated from Brooklyn College in Economics

·        1976- 1982: served on Marin County Board of Supervisors

·        1982-1992: U.S. House of Representatives

·        1992- present: U.S. Senator

 

Wayne Allard (Republican, Colorado)

·        Religion: Protestant

·        1968: Colorado State University, Doctorate Veterinary Medicine

·        1983- 1990: Colorado State Senator

·        1991- 1997: U.S. House of Representative

·        1996- present: U.S. Senator

 

Ken Salazar (Democrat, Colorado)

·        Religion: Roman Catholic

·        1977: Colorado College, BA (political science)

·        1981: University of Michigan, JD

·        1986- 1990: Chief Legal Council for CO Governor Roy Romer

·        1990- 1994: Appointed Director of CO Dept. of Natural Resources

·        1998- 2004: Colorado State Attorney General

·        2004- present: U.S. Senator

 

5. Our Nation is Now Dumber for This…Thank You for Your Participation!

Absent and still carrying on the random pattern.

 

 

6.     Down On Rage Street

 

On Monday, the U.S. Senate casts their vote on increasing the federal minimum wage from $5.15 an hour to $7.20 an hour.  This potential minimum wage increase consists of a three-part series spanning the next two years. 

Good stuff right? 

It really depends on who you talk to. 

Conservative economists like Jill Jenkins generally drop the same conservative wisdom whenever minimum wage increases bubble up to the top of the political surface.  It’s rather predicable yet not fully integrated into our national internal monologue.  When we all say “minimum wage increase is bad for business” in our head without prompting, economists like Jill will be out of work.

On the other hand, people like Lindsay Jones provide the other, equally predictable and dull, side of the argument generated from liberal commentators in reaction to any suggestion of minimum wage increase. 

Lindsay Jones’ writes well.  She maintains coherence throughout most of her argument; however, she resorts to cheap rhetorical tactics to engage the reader.

Poor, poor Jane!  If only she could afford two light bulbs.

This debate seems endless.  It is a constant struggle between government- business and the individual. 

Is the government responsible for the well-being of its citizens?  Most Americans would probably answer yes to such a vague question. 

Should government regulate business?  Again, most Americans would probably answer yes to such a vague question (if you want to argue my point, realize that selling crack is technically a business even though it is illegal due to government regulation.) 

Should the market be able to run unhindered by government?

That is where the argument begins and Americans love nothing better than to argue.  It doesn’t matter the topic.  The topic is your favorite color:  you pick a color and I will argue with you that you are wrong. 

No progress resides in such a verbal exchange and to make matters worse there are those who would take the position that red and maroon are not related. 

That brings me to my final point. 

When the minimum wage increase battle becomes so subdivided and argumentative that fags and he-she’s need to weigh in with their own personal narrative of being undervalued, low-skilled workers: the argument truly has become complacent and ridiculous.

The interesting part of the latest debate about minimum wage increases is the reaction of the business community.  Business reaction falls somewhere between loud support and wishy-washy, flip-flopping (refer back to Lindsey Jones’ article.)

I can’t imagine that this might have anything to do with the fact that minimum wage won’t be signed by Bush without a subsequent tax cut for business.  Which means it’s a frigging wash.  Is the government really doing anything in this equation other than equal summing two sides of the books?

It seems to me that nothing much will really be accomplished here.

 

7. My Butthole Bleeds for You…Really….It Does

Absent and still carrying on the random pattern.

 

 

8.     Tip of the week

 

Do something to improve your lot in life.  Don’t drift along in a mire of misery and blame everything around you for why life sucks.  Life sucks because you let it suck. 

Like Chuck D once said, “If I can’t change the people around me, then I change the people around me.”

 

 

9.     Birthday Shout Outs (1-14 to 1-20)

 

·        (1/14/1919) Andy Rooney- This guy is quite possibly an American institution, although he seems rather irritated with Ali G here.  I don’t remember him being quite so rigid on 60 Minutes.

·        (1/14/1968) LL Cool J- He wrote possibly one of the coolest opening lines ever.  “Don’t call it a comeback…”

·        (1/14/1969) Dave Grohl- The guy was in Nirvana.  It’s amazing he was able to continue getting noticed after that.

·        (1/15/1929) Martin Luther King Jr.- The greatest sacrifice a human being can ever make.  If there weren’t a Christ already, he might’ve been Christ.

·        (1/15/1948) Ronnie Van Zant- Lynard Skynard is quite possibly one of the coolest bands in the history of mankind.  Freebird, man!!! 

·        (1/16/1948) John Carpenter- The guy wrote and directed: Halloween, Escape from New York, They Live and directed Big Trouble in Little China.  For those works alone, this guy deserves a monument in Washington DC.

·        (1/16/1944) Jim Stafford- He’s best known for the song “Cow Patti,” but he also had a part in Any Which Way You Can.  I’m surprised after all these years; he’s still around and performing.

·        (1/17/1706) Benjamin Franklin- The father of American biographies.  ‘I pulled myself up by my bootstraps and made something out of myself…’ which always leads to ‘what the hell are you doing with yourself?’ 

I’m not sure if he should be celebrated for this, or dug up and stoned.

·        (1/17/1942) Muhammed Ali- What’s to be said, he’s the greatest.  If you don’t believe me listen to him.

·        (1/17/1949) Andy Kaufman- It takes a lot of balls to get up in front of an audience and act like an idiot.

·        (1/17/1962) Jim Carrey- In my opinion his best work was on In Living Color and that’s more to be remembered by than most people will ever accomplish.

·        (1/18/1892) Oliver Hardy- When I was a kid he was a timeless icon.  Now he seems mostly forgotten and that’s a shame.

·        (1/18/1941) David Ruffin- Just think of how many people probably owe their existence to some of the cuts by the Temptations.

·        (1/18/1954) Ted DiBiase- The Million Dollar Man insulted children with money on camera as if born to condescend.  That’s awesome and something you can only get away with in professional wrestling.  He was quite the performer.

·        (1/19/1809) Edgar Allen Poe- You don’t need me to tell you this guy was sick, but we still try to interpret his stories to this very day in college.  Who’s truly sick in this scenario?

·        (1/19/1943) Janis Joplin- She’s the queen.

·        (1/19/1946) Dolly Parton- I’d still do her, although doing a British accent in London is pretty low-class.  She’s self-effacing though and that can get you a long way.

·        (1/20/1888) Leadbelly- I can’t claim a lot of knowledge regarding Leadbelly, but he inspired a lot of people. 

·        (1/20/1952) Paul Stanley- If you lived in the U.S. in the 1970’s you knew  Kiss whether you wanted to or not.

·        (1/20/1956) Bill Maher- This guy seemed to have so much potential.  What happened?